150.5

Nothing new to report. I'm sucking at Amy's challenge. *Le sigh* And I just ate M&Ms. Gross. Why? Because I'm stress eating.

Back to homework. Gah. Boring and horrible.

Goals for Monday and Tuesday:

eat right
ride my bike
don't drink beer

Hitting the road on Wednesday for camping and Carlsbad. Yippee!

feel the fear and do it anyway

I am afraid of life right now. I feel like every time I put myself out there, I get shot down. I know it's not true, but I seem to only focus on the negative. Still trying to change that.

Having said that, I did something crazy the other day. I sent an e-mail to the most beautiful man I've ever laid eyes on. He looks like Ryan Reynolds. He's a friend of a friend, so I got his e-mail address from an e-mail she had sent to us all. I basically asked him if he wanted to get a beer or a bite to eat with me. Well, he kind of shot me down, but in the nicest way possible. He's in South America right now, and this is what he wrote:

"I´m down to get together for a beer or somethin´ when I get back. To be totally honest, I´m completely hung up on a girl at the moment. I know that´s extremely lame but I´m not sure I´m ready to re-enter the dating world. I don´t mean to imply that that was even your intention but just thought I should be up front about it. Anywho, I´ll give you a shout when I get back."

I can honestly say that I'm happy he even wrote me back. I just felt like putting myself out there because I'm afraid that if I don't, I'll shrivel up and retreat to the point of no return. Yeah, dramatic. That's me! I wrote him back that I feel his pain because I just got divorced, but that I liked hanging out with him, and that was that. And I'm serious, too. He's a hoot! What I didn't say is that I'm a basket case as well since I'm still seriously hung up on Joe, and Joe is the reason I can't bear the thought of being with anyone else. So yeah, I know EXACTLY how he feels.

No excerise and crappy food for the past few days has put me in a horrible place mentally, but I'm plugging through work and school just to get everything out of the way for my trip. I'd say that food is 51% good and 49% crap. I need to get those numbers way less even. I'm shooting for 80% good and 20% crap (for beer of course). Wish me luck!

Anger leads to hate then to the Dark Side

Okay, I need to move on and get back to living. I spent the past 2 nights just feeling sad and lonely and getting drunk. Enough. I'm still alive, and I need to act like it. So I'm going to take care of myself and be grateful for the opportunities that come my way. I'm also going to look forward to the things that are coming up in my life. For example, Saturday I get to see Explosions in the Sky. And then the following week, I'm going to Carlsbad Caverns and camping at Balmorhea State Park with my BFF and her family. I need to get busy with my school work and my work work so that I can enjoy my outings.

Food today is good. No exercise today or yesterday, but Monday I did swim at Krause Springs. Amazing place. I felt so close to the universe when I was in that water.

Angry.

Remember that guy from work that I went out with a few times? Well he was back in my life for the last 2 weeks, filling my ears with sweet nothings. He said to me that he wasn't going to stop asking me out because he knew I was worth it. I accepted twice and canceled twice because I'm so afraid to date. I've gone in the exact opposite direction and now can't bear the thought of being intimate with someone because why? Because I don't want to be hurt again. And what does he say? That he'll wait for me until I am ready. And then what happens? He fucking dies. I'm angry. Does god want me to be alone? Does god want to punish me or take everyone away from me? I don't deserve any condolences and don't want criticisms, so I'm turning my comments off. I'm just venting and grieving.

I'm sorry Kirk.

Slowest weight loss ever

So I'm still avoiding my homework. I went back through my archives and noticed this pattern through the years:

In 2006, I weighed in the 180s
In 2007, I weighed in the 170s
In 2008, I weighed in the 160s
In 2009, I have been in the 150s

Super proud of myself for this. I am confident that slow weight loss translates into permanent weight loss for me. Looking at this history eases a lot of anxiety for me. I should be at goal in 2 years! And that's okay! I'm not in a hurry because in relation to the rest of my life, I should still have plenty of time at a healthy weight, even if I died young. But I'm too ornery to die young, so I'm making sure I won't suffer more than necessary when I'm older. And that is a very loving thing to do for myself.

is it the weekend?

Gosh, I'm so busy! I have tons of homework to do, so what am I doing? Yeah, reading blogs! Ha! But look at this: 8 Reason to Start Loving Your Body. I love this list. When I went through my little promiscuous phase, I realized that if you love your body, men will love it too. It was an eye-opening lesson. Of course, now it's been almost 2 months since I've had sex! Oh well. I've replaced sex with exercise. It's not the same, but it's pretty damn good. As a matter of fact, I can't ride my bike today because of the oppressive heat, so my BFF lent me her gym membership card. Elliptical today! Hooray!

I did indulge yesterday, but not with food. I drank 2 beers, a strawberry daiquiri, and a shot. That's not too bad. I knew I had tons of homework today, so I tried to behave. Food was meh. Whatever. I got paid yesterday, so I'll go shopping today for REAL GROCERIES. It's been a long time since I've had groceries! Everything is starting to look up! Finally!

break!

No bike ride today. I am tired! I fell off my bike yesterday on the trail, but I actually loved it! I felt like I was really pushing myself. I know I did at least 10 total miles, but most of it was on pavement. When I got back on the trail, I was just exhausted and then, yeah, I fell.

Food was pretty good yesterday, but I gotta tell ya, processed food sucks ass. I bought a bunch of cans of Progresso soup because they were on sale, and I figured it's be an easy lunch or dinner. But they are so loaded with salt, and the veggies don't even taste like veggies. Very unsatisfying dinner. I need to get back to cooking. My soups are way better! But not today. Today I plan on indulging. I need a break!

Duh

Went out the last 2 nights in a row. Feel like ass. Duh!

Also rode the last 3 days in a row. Hooray! And I'm going again today, in just about an hour. It's supposed to get to 105 degrees today! But I'll fill my camelbak with tons of ice and I'll be okay.

Food wasn't that great yesterday. I had 3 slices of artisan bread. Today will be much better: Ezekiel bread, grapefruit, salad with chicken and couscous, and a can of soup.